


your mother reports your father's blue, dear

by shortlikemarvin (FunTimesAtTheDisco)



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Act 2, Bad Parenting, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Drinking to Cope, F/F, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Modern Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:01:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25636213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FunTimesAtTheDisco/pseuds/shortlikemarvin
Summary: Marvin's parents are suddenly back in his life and now he has to work through childhood trauma he had repressed until now.
Relationships: Dr. Charlotte/Cordelia (Falsettos), Trina/Mendel Weisenbachfeld, Whizzer Brown/Marvin
Comments: 31
Kudos: 102





	1. the call

Marvin stared up at the ceiling. His arms were crossed on this chest, his legs tightly pressed together. His chest and stomach rose and fell to his rhythmic breathing. He barely blinked. There was no energy left in him to blink. He was just… tired. But tired didn’t quite cut it. 

His entire life he had tried to understand exactly who he was and what he wanted. But nothing ever made sense. So he just pretended to get it. 

“Marvin!” 

He closed his eyes. Please, don’t let it be that time yet. He could not handle getting up. Not yet, at least. He was working towards that. 

“Baby…” 

Whizzer sighed and sat down next to Marvin, the mattress dipped, forcing Marvin’s body to turn towards his lover. 

“Are you okay?” He put his hand on Marvin’s cheek and gently stroked over it. 

Marvin opened his eyes. He stared up at him in silence. “Why did you call for me?” 

Whizzer sighed. “Your father. He’s on the phone.” 

Marvin frowned deeply. He sat up. “No, he isn’t.” He shook his head. 

“That’s what the man said. Do you want me to hang up?” 

Marvin halted. Why, in God’s damned name, was his father calling? It made absolutely no sense to him. He hadn’t spoken to that man since he left for college. 

“What does he want?” he muttered. He honest to God did not want to talk with him. 

“I don’t know. I can just tell him you’re showering or something?” 

“Did you tell him I’m gay?” 

Whizzer shook his head slowly. “He… Doesn’t know?” 

Marvin cursed. He forced himself out of bed and rushed to the house phone. He wondered how his father even got his number.  
He put the phone to his ear and closed his eyes. He was not ready for this. He would never, no matter what, be ready for this moment. 

“Joseph,” he stated in the phone, his voice was low. He was trying desperately to keep his emotions to himself. He heard a sharp breath on the other side of the line. 

“Son.” 

“What do you want?” Marvin all but spat into the phone. So much for keeping it together. 

“It’s been too long,” the old voice responded. “I want to meet with you. Maybe bring your wife along? And my grandson. You have a son, right?” 

Marvin huffed. He pinched the brigde of his nose before shifting. He put his hand on his hip. “It’s been too short for me. I don’t want to meet with you.” 

Joseph sighed. “Not this second. Just… maybe when your guest is gone- you really should not have guests answering your phone, Marvin. That’s just strange.” 

“Oh, well, thank you, father, for finally trying to teach me something. How sad for you that it’s only- God, what is it- forty four years too late!” he snapped. 

“Don’t use the Lords name in vein.” 

“Goddamn, what a good point. Thanks,” he responded sarcastically. 

“Marvin…” his father warned. 

“Go screw yourself with your stupid plan. I don’t want to see you, or mom, and I’d appreciate it if you did not call me again.” 

Joseph stayed silent for a really long time. 

“Fine,” he finally said and hung up. 

Marvin sighed. When he put down the phone, he noticed he was shaking. 

“Marv?” Whizzer’s voice came from behind him and was soon followed by a hand snaking around his waist. He was pulled against Whizzer’s chest. 

“What did he want?” Whizzer asked, his voice soft in his ear. 

“I want nothing to do with him. It’s all his fault…” He shook his head. 

“What is his fault, baby?” 

“There are a lot of things you don’t know. I have never really discussed certain things.” Marvin pulled away and turned around. He met Whizzer’s eyes. 

“Like your parents.” Whizzer nodded in agreement. 

“Right. And I don’t want to start now.” 

“What did he say?” Whizzer pressed on anyway. He looked at Marvin with too much sympathy. He did not like it at all. 

“He just wanted to catch up. Meet Trina and Jason.” 

Whizzer’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why not do that? Without Trina, of course.” 

“Are you deaf? I don’t want anything to do with him!” Marvin snapped. 

“Hey- don’t talk to me like that. What’s going on?” Although Whizzer’s tone got stern, his face reflected worry. 

“I- I’m sorry,” Marvin said softly. He sat down on the couch and shook his head slowly. “I just don’t want him- ever, in my life. He was a terrible father. He hurt me in ways I cannot explain.” 

Whizzer nodded slowly. “I understand. But if he only wants to catch up, well, maybe there is something good to gain from it, don’t you think? I mean, he is calling you. He misses you, clearly. Maybe he realized his mistakes? It won’t hurt to just see him, right?” 

Marvin huffed. He ran a hand through his hair. 

“You need to meet with him, baby. Maybe, just maybe, it will all get better for it.” 

“What if it won’t?” 

“Isn’t it best to know for sure?” Whizzer prompted gently. 

“Would you? If your parents came to you?” Marvin asked softly and looked up at his lover. 

Whizzer nodded. “Yes. I would hear them out.” 

Marvin swallowed thickly. So many things hurt because of the lack of childhood his parents had caused. He was left a shell of who he could have been because of them. He had to work on himself so hard for such a long time to get where he was now, and it still wasn’t enough. And although he knew he was responsible for an endless amount of things he did, the roots of the pain he still felt were buried deep in his past. 

“Maybe. Maybe I should,” he whispered. If his father had something to say that was like an apology, he would listen. If it was anything else, he would walk out and never look back. But at least he’d know. 

“I’m proud of you, baby.” 

“Whatever. I just want him to fix it all.” 

Whizzer nodded, leaned in, and kissed Marvin softly. “I am proud of you,” he repeated. 

“Thank you,” he whispered back. He closed his eyes and hugged Whizzer tightly. He knew his father would never admit to hurting him, let alone be aware of it. How could he, if he had never paid any attention to his only son? 

But now he was there, finally paying attention to him, something he’d always wanted. 

“Thank you,” Marvin repeated again. He hoped, at the end of the day, he had something to be thankful for.


	2. weather

It was a gloomy day in New York City. The clouds cast a gray, sombre shadow over the city, ruining many hopes that there might be sun today. Marvin noticed with each passing day how much his feelings depended on the weather. He found it pathetic to be so dependent on something he had no control over, yet it was like that anyway. 

It was Tuesday morning. He was expected at work in about one hour, but he felt like no one would really miss him that much. He could just call in sick. No one would bat an eye. It wasn’t that people disliked him. It’s just that no one ever noticed him being there. Which was fine. He much preferred not being noticed. That made calling in sick that much easier. 

He was sitting on the edge of the bed. His head was aching. There could be a million reasons for that: lack of sleep, too much sleep, staying in bed for too long, eating too little. It didn’t really matter why, he figured. It was there and it sucked. 

Marvin sighed. He looked out of the window, staring to the sad excuse of a skyline blankly. The blanket he had been sleeping under was wrapped around his shoulder loosely. It could fall off with the tiniest of movements. He was wearing just his boxers. His back ached too, he noticed. He was getting old. 

He blinked every once in a while. He really should get on the phone soon. But it could wait for just another minutes. He could say he slept in and forgot to set an alarm to remind him to call. Anything was possible. He didn’t care. 

He heard keys jingle outside, the lock turning. Soon the door opened with a swift creak. It was accompanied by a cheerful greeting. 

“I’m back!” Whizzer hummed. Marvin heard the thud of a sports bag being dropped on the floor, then the footsteps came his way. Marvin cursed. He quickly got up and rushed to the closet, hoping it would look like he had been getting ready. He did not want Whizzer to know how bad he was doing. 

“There was this really annoying woman today, a real Karen, if you ask me. She kept complaining about how it was her turn to use the court- but I hire it at the same time, each morning, for an hour. I told her this and she went to- you’ll never guess- the manager, who then showed this woman the schedule and told her off in a polite way. I’ll never have the patience for that. She left, threatening to come back with her husband, who, she proudly told us, had minored in law back in college. So I can’t wait to see how that will develop,” Whizzer told Marvin as he stood in the doorway. 

Marvin was trying to pick clothes, but his mind was too empty to even think of what he was supposed to be doing. He just stood quietly in front of the closet. 

“Need some help, baby?” Whizzer stepped into the room and put one hand on Marvin’s hip. He looked into the closet. 

“No. I’m just trying to remember the weather forecast,” he muttered in response. 

“It’s humid outside. So, maybe thin pants, so you’re not too hot. And just a simple t-shirt will do. Sit down, Marv. I’ll pick something acceptable,” Whizzer said gently and kissed his head before gently moving Marvin to the bed. 

Marvin sat down, not really processing what was happening. He was just happy to be on the bed again. 

“That Karen sounds like a real bitch,” Marvin said after a little while of watching Whizzer picking out clothes. 

“Hm. She is. Did you shower yet?” 

Marvin shook his head. He sighed. “I’m not feeling so good. I’m thinking of calling in sick today.” 

“Again?” Whizzer raised his eyebrows. “Baby, you haven’t been to work for three days now.” 

Marvin shrugged. “I can count.” 

Whizzer rubbed his forehead for a second before handing Marvin the clothes. 

“Shower, get dressed, brush your teeth. Can you manage that?” 

Marvin hesitated, then nodded. “Of course. I just feel a little sick.” 

“Right. Come to the kitchen when you’re done.” 

Whizzer left Marvin to it. He had no other choice but to listen. He went to the bathroom, showered as quickly as he could with the energy he had. He got dressed, brushed his teeth and finally made it to the kitchen. It was way passed the time he was supposed to be at work now. No one had texted him. See? He wasn’t important enough to be missed. 

Whizzer was cooking up some eggs as he walked in. He sat down at the table and folded his hand together. 

“Was that nice?” Whizzer asked gently. 

“I guess. Yes?” he mumbled in response. He didn’t really feel the difference now that he was showered. 

“Marvin…” Whizzer turned to him. His eyebrows were furrowed, concern was clear on his face. 

Fuck. He hadn’t really been trying to act like he was okay, now had he? Why was he so bad at sticking to the plans he made? 

“I’m fine. I’m just tired,” he said quickly. 

“Have you called your father yet?” 

Marvin’s guts twisted. “No. Why?” 

“I think you need to call him.” Whizzer crossed his arms. 

“No. That won’t be necessary, but thanks.” He shook his head. 

“It is. You need to start working through whatever pain you’re feeling, because it’s slowly killing you. And I won’t let you die on my watch,” Whizzer almost sounded angry. 

“I’m not in pain. I am tired, goddammit.” 

“You’re not just tired. I don’t know what’s going on, but even when you’re tired, you at least have emotions.” 

Marvin scoffed at that. “Shut up. I am having emotions.” 

“Great. If you’re just tired, go to work then. You're very capable of that, last time I checked.” 

Marvin’s jaw clenched. His eyebrows furrowed together. He stayed silent. 

Whizzer sighed. He turned off the stove, and for a while Marvin didn’t hear him do much else before he suddenly heard a phone dialing in front of him. He looked up. Whizzer was calling his father. Before Marvin could stop it, Joseph had picked up. 

“Joseph speaking. Who is this?” 

Marvin glared up at Whizzer, but he just looked back sternly. “It’s… Marvin,” he muttered. 

“Marvin…” Joseph echoed, thoughtful, before adding: “Oh, Marvin! I’m so glad you called me. Did you change your mind yet?” 

Marvin moved his glare to the phone. He sighed deeply. “Yes,” he mumbled. “But without Jason. Without Trina. Just us.” 

The other end of the line was silent before Marvin heard a sigh. 

“Okay. I’m free this afternoon.” 

“Good. Me too. I’ll text you where and when. If you’re late, I’m leaving,” he said and hung up before his father could respond. 

Marvin met Whizzer’s eyes again. 

“I’m mad at you,” Marvin informed Whizzer. 

“I don’t care. Stay mad all you want. As long as you’re getting better, I can deal with that,” and he went back to the stove to finish Marvin’s breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your sweet comments and kudos so far! I'm really glad you like it. I hope you enjoyed this chapter too. And if you're reading this, have a wonderful, lovely day. Do things that make you happy. I'm glad you're here. Take care of yourself. You deserve it. <3


	3. dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mention of suicial thoughts. very sublte, but there.   
> if you're experiencing suicidal thoughts yourself, try to get help while you can. it's very important to be there early for them.   
> stay alive. I can't promise it'll be worth it at the start, because the war won't be over yet, but a lost battle is better than stopping the fight.  
> i'm saying that for myself too.

“Marvin!” 

Marvin didn’t want to get up. 

“Marvin?” 

God, just one minute. Just the one. He needed to stay here. He was safe here. Nothing happened here. 

“Marvin, come on. Get up.” 

Whizzer was growing tired of him, wasn’t he? Marvin would. 

“Marv.” 

Whizzer sighed, way too close now. He sat down on the edge of the very place Marvin wanted to disappear in. So much for that, he supposed. 

“Talk to me,” Whizzer gently placed his hand over Marvin’s leg. “Please.” 

Marvin didn’t open his eyes. Things would be really real if he did. He did not want that. He just wanted Whizzer to be gone so he could disappear again. He shook his head. 

“You need to get to work, baby. And after that, you have that thing with your dad.” 

Marvin had canceled the original plans with his father an hour before lunch. Then, the new date, Marvin had suddenly fallen ill. The next try, Marvin’s car miraculously broke down. Then, a dog had appeared out of thin air and Marvin had to go to the vet with him, because he couldn’t leave the precious thing to faith. That was around when Marvin’s imagination had hit rock bottom. There were no excuses left. He had to see his dad. 

Whizzer was so kind in his reminders, but Marvin could tell how annoyed Whizzer really was. How confused and helpless his lover felt. It left Marvin cold, but he knew that if he wasn’t so numb, he’d feel guilty. That was enough motivation to open his eyes. But barely. 

“What?” Marvin asked, his voice hoarse. 

“Can I lay down with you?” Whizzer’s eyes pleaded, but Marvin wasn’t effected. He shrugged, so Whizzer laid down and wrapped one arm around Marvin. 

“I made breakfast. I packed lunch for you. I put together your clothes for today. I made sure you have everything with you in your coat and bag, in the places you prefer them. All you have to do is get up and go. Can you do that for me?” Whizzer said, his voice hushed. He circled his thumb over Marvin’s shoulder soothingly. It was sweet, but it only got under Marvin’s skin. He didn’t say anything, however. 

He didn’t say anything for a while. He didn’t have the energy to give the proper answer other then another shrug. How could he respond if all he felt was the numbing feeling that deafened everything he wanted and needed to do? He’d rather not say or do anything. Maybe Whizzer would go away eventually.  
Marvin closed his eyes again and pretended to have fallen asleep. 

“Baby.” Whizzer shook him. “I’m serious. Get up.” 

There it was. The annoyed tone truly revealed itself this time. It didn’t matter. Marvin kept them closed. 

“I’m sorry,” Whizzer muttered and got up. 

Finally. Whizzer had left. He could just become nothing again. 

He barely had time to finish that thought before the sheets were ripped from him. He yelled in protest and frowned deeply. It was incredibly cold without them. His eyes were open now, and he stared at Whizzer with anger. 

“Give me back my fucking sheets!” 

“No. Get up. I did everything for you. You just have to follow your routine without having to create it. Get up, do what you’re supposed to and go to your job. You’re not getting the sheets back until it’s evening.” 

Marvin kept glaring. He wasn’t comfortable without them. He wasn’t safe. Whizzer knew that. Whizzer used it against him. Without ever breaking the eye contact, Marvin got up. His body ached. His head hurt more. 

“I’m proud of you,” Whizzer said with his gentle honestly. Marvin still had to get use to that. He was sure he’d properly appreciate it one day. He just had to stay alive long enough to be able to. 

“Fuck you.” Marvin responded, and closed the bathroom door. 

It would just take a long, long time before he could. 

The diner was plain and boring. The main colors were brown and yellow- a terrible match, as far as Marvin was concerned. It was depressing to sit here, but it fit well with his mood, so he didn’t complain all too much. At least it was Italian. That was one thing he and his dad shared. They both liked Italian food and were shitty dads. That was about it for common ground. 

Marvin had come early, just so he could leave work earlier, but now he was stuck, alone, in some shitty restaurant. At least there was alcohol here. 

He was through his second glass when he saw Joseph. 

The very sight of his dad made all his senses recoil. For the first time in a few weeks, he felt something extremely strongly; disgust and anger. 

Marvin sat up straighter, removed his elbows from the table and watched as his father was pointed towards his table. And the man had the nerve to smile. 

Marvin did not smile back. Instead, he crossed his arms as his father sat down and just looked. 

“You got old,” was the first thing his father dared to say. 

“Says the gray man,” Marvin shot back. 

Joseph sighed. “Ever so witty.” 

Marvin shrugged. “Had to get your attention somehow.” 

“You have my attention now.” 

“A lifetime too late. Lucky me.” 

“Son,” he warned. 

“Father,” Marvin mimicked the warning mockingly. 

Joseph sighed and folded his hands in his lap. “Very well. I’m sorry. How have you been?” 

“Swell. I especially loved the part of my life you were a part of,” Marvin snapped his fingers and clicked his tongue. “Oh, wait.” 

“How’s Trina?” 

“Probably very happy, since she married a psychiatrist.”

Joseph paused. “You’re divorced?” 

“No. It’s legal to get married as a trio. We’re very happy together.”

“Stop mocking me, son. It’s getting exhausting very quickly.” 

Marvin narrowed his eyes. He leaned forward, just slightly so he hung half way over the table. He kept his arms crossed. “Oh? I didn’t know my estranged father had any right to demand something as much as my full love and attention after years and years of nothing- after letting a twenty year old maid raise me, and poorly at that- but maybe I’m wrong here. Do correct me if I’m wrong, dad. That’s at least something you’re good at.” 

The waiter came. Two glasses of wine were ordered. 

“I’m sorry,” Joseph said, more genuinely this time. 

“I’d love to know what for.” Marvin sipped his wine, staring with unforgiving eyes. 

“Everything.” 

“How specifi-” 

“I’m divorcing your mother, Marvin.”

Silence. A sip of wine. 

“That’s all I came here to say.” 

Marvin nodded. He downed the wine and wiped his mouth with a napkin, before dropping it down on the empty plate. 

“You could have called me for that.” He got up and opened his wallet, counting the bills. 

“Son, don’t go. I… I have no place to stay. She threw me out. I need to stay with you and Trina.” 

Marvin nodded slowly, recounted the dollars to make sure he left a proper tip and laid it down. 

“Then I guess homelessness in New York just went up, Joseph. Congrats on doing something so historical.”

And Marvin left. 

The second the cold air hit him, his raging, twisted emotions numbed again, leaving him a shell of nothingness all over. He decided to walk home. He did not feel up to talking to some cab driver only to lose more money. 

He was half way there when his phone went off. Jason. He picked up at once. 

“Hey, dad. Uhm, I can’t come over this weekend,” came from the other line. 

Marvin stopped walking. Oh. “Are you staying with a friend?” He asked, faking excitement for his kid. 

“Well, not really. No. I wish. No, I can’t come over because mom says you need space. I’d rather you tell me yourself. I’m old. I can understand if you need some room. You don’t need to tell mom to tell me. She’s not a messenger.” 

Marvin again, wished he had his sons guts. 

“I never told your mother I needed space, kid. I never need space from you. I always look forward to seeing you.” 

“Oh. Well, I’m just not coming, dad. It’s fine. We can call, maybe get some lunch this Saturday?” 

Marvin ran a hand through his hair. He turned around and started walking back before knowing he was doing so. “Yeah, sounds good, kiddo.” 

They said their goodbyes. Jason hung up. 

His father was still there, eating the petty, plain looking meal. Joseph shivered when the cold breeze from the open door hit his body, and looked up. 

“You can stay with me,” was all Marvin said before letting the door fall closed and waiting in the cold, painful New York evening, alone and empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the love so far.  
> stay safe, take care of yourself.  
> black lives matter. we can change the world, but only together.  
> https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/
> 
> also wear your masks. 
> 
> love, 
> 
> shortlikemarvin


	4. night

“Baby?” 

Marvin gently shook Whizzer awake. The other man opened his eyes. 

“Hey.” Whizzer smiled and sat up. “How was it with your dad?” 

“I need you to sleep with the lesbians for a few days.” 

Whizzer frowned deeply. “What? Why?” 

“My dad is here. He’s going to stay here for a while.” 

“Okay, so why do I have to leave?” Whizzer sounded kind of hurt. But mostly offended. “I’m a good boyfriend. He won’t dislike me.” 

Marvin sighed. “I haven’t told him about you. I don’t want to.” 

Whizzer was completely awake now. “You’re not going to tell him you’re gay? That you’re committed to me. Instead you’re going to kick your boyfriend out to let your asshole father stay. Did I just time travel to two years ago? Because this sounds an awful lot like you when we met.” 

Marvin groaned. “Whizzer, please. I’ll tell him eventually, but I’m not ready to come out yet.” 

“Fine. Then just tell him I’m your friend in need of help, so you let me stay with you.” 

“I can’t do that. He won’t believe me.” 

Whizzer crossed his arms. “Why shouldn’t he?” 

“Because you’re the gayest person I know. He’ll figure it out.” 

Whizzer got up, scoffing. “I’m not leaving my own house. I’ll pretend to be more straight. I’ll borrow your ugly ass clothes.” He rubbed his face and looked up at Marvin. “I am mad at you. You haven’t been a good person to me. And I get it, you’re struggling, but this crosses a line, Marvin. Just know that I’m pissed. I’m going to change so I can look like your broke ass, fake straight friend.” Whizzer left the room, rubbing his eyes and yawning as he did. 

Marvin sat on the bed, feeling relieved, but a new kind of stress was emerging. Whizzer was mad at him. Which was fair, sure. But he had said Marvin seemed like the Marvin he was two years ago and Marvin had sworn to never return to that person. He was sure it wasn’t that bad. Yet. 

He got up, straightening his shirt and ran a hand through his hair. He went downstairs, where his father was sitting on the couch, watching mindless television. He sighed before going up to the man. 

“Joseph, your room is ready.” 

“Please don’t call me that,” Joseph said, his voice close to begging. 

“No. Go get showered. You smell like shit.” 

“Language.” 

“Wow, shit, fuck, sorry dad, I forgot how well you raised me for a second,” he said sarcastically. 

Joseph scoffed and got up with a groan, looking for the bathroom. 

Marvin sat down on the couch. He folded his hands together. It was late. He was tired. He felt conflicted. He was doing his duty as a son, whilst his father had never done his duty as a parent. 

How did things twist this way? He tried to remember what he did before he took such a sharp turn and fell back into this shitty, horrible habit of hating everything in his life and feeling nothing. He didn’t understand how it kept happening. Every time he thought he was better, he had it figured out, he wouldn’t fall back again, he turned to see he had accomplished absolutely nothing. At the end of the day, he was fighting only to feel like this again. With all the things that happened today… God. What was the point anymore. 

Marvin shook his head and got up. He didn’t want to think right now. He went to the kitchen and poured a full glass of wine. He drank it quickly, hoping to feel the effects sooner than later. 

After he finished it, he just stood in the kitchen, barely noticing the time passing. He was motionless, void of thoughts. All he felt was the slow start of a buzz in his stomach and chest; the alcohol taking its delightful effect. 

“Marv.” 

Marvin looked up to see his beautiful boyfriend standing before him in too tight clothes that looked absolutely horrible on him. The colors did not do his eyes justice at all and he looked too disheveled for Marvin to comprehend. 

“This is what you’re making me do. Are you happy?” Whizzer said, clearly still annoyed. 

Marvin found, to his surprise, that he was grinning. “Yes. Very much so. You look ridiculous.” 

Whizzer frowned, then started smirking. “Yeah? Should I wear this more often?” 

Marvin nodded. “Oh, absolutely,” he said seriously. “It’s very hot.” 

“Hm. You really think so?” Whizzer walked up to Marvin slowly and paused right in front of him. “I should maybe wear this to the bedroom then, don’t you think?” 

Marvin huffed. “Yes. I’m desperate to fuck someone who looks like me,” he leaned forward to kiss Whizzer, but Whizzer jerked away aggressively. 

“What- dude, are you gay or something?” Whizzer asked, frowning. 

Marvin stared at him, dumbfounded. “What?” 

“Look, I’m flattered, but I’m not into that shit,” Whizzer said seriously, his voice low. 

Marvin frowned deeper, until it clicked. 

“No, Whizzer, come on.” 

“What? You want a straight friend, here I am. You’re welcome.” 

Marvin groaned. “No- come on. That’s annoying as hell.” 

Whizzer frowned deeply and put a hand over his heart. “Are you saying that it’s wrong to be straight. How dare you, sir-” 

“Fine. Whatever,” Marvin muttered, to which Whizzer grinned. 

“I’m going to sleep now. Am I at least welcome to sleep in our- sorry, your bed?” 

Marvin glared. “Yes.” 

“Great. Night night.” Whizzer went upstairs, leaving Marvin alone with the wine. He poured another glass and downed it before going upstairs just as well. 

He knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Dad? I’m going to sleep now. Figure out for yourself where everything is. Sleep on the couch.” 

He didn’t wait for a response and left to the bedroom he shared with Whizzer. He was reading in his boxers. 

Marvin stripped down to his boxers too and went to lay in bed. He closed his eyes to fall asleep- something he desperately needed. He was almost unconscious when Whizzer’s voice pulled him out of it. 

“I don’t get you, Marvin,” Whizzer said quietly. 

Marvin stayed silent, but opened his eyes to stare at the wall. 

“I have never been closeted for anyone. Not even my own homophobic family. And the second you say the word, I do everything in my power to change, just so you can be okay. I am really trying to make it a joke or whatever, but it just isn’t working. It won’t stay funny for long. You know how much it means to me to be open and proud. Just because you can’t do that, doesn’t mean I should suffer too.” Whizzer closed the book and set it down on his bedside table. 

“I love you. You know I do. But I can’t afford to lose you again to your own stupid brain. So please. Go get help. Come out to your dad. I will help you get through it. You’re not alone. But you will be if you keep going on like this. Okay?” 

Marvin stayed silent. He had tears in his eyes. The wall became blurry and it got harder to breath with each passing second. He nodded slowly. 

“I’m sorry,” was all he managed to say in return. His voice was shaking. 

Whizzer sighed. He turned the light off and laid down. He wrapped one strong arm around Marvin’s body. He pulled him tightly against his chest. “I know you are. We’re going to get you all better, baby. You just need to hold on tight and trust me.” 

Marvin nodded again, weaker this time, and leaned into the warmth of Whizzer’s body. He just needed to hold on. How hard could that be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all again for the nice comments and excitement for more! Here is another chapter, I hope you like it. 
> 
> As always, stay safe. Take care of yourself. You deserve to treat yourself. So do that today. Promise me you'll do at least one good thing. 
> 
> And don't forget that Black Lives Matter. Donate, sign petitions, speak up against hate. I love you all. Have a lovely day/ evening/ night.


	5. kisses

This couldn’t be it. It couldn’t be over yet. He still had so many things he had to take care of. His son, Whizzer… this couldn’t be it.   
Marvin kept falling, until- 

Oh. It was just a dream. He opened his eyes slowly, his body still frozen in the thought of death.

He kept replaying what had happened in his dream, but the more he did, the more it slipped away from him. Oh well. That was just how things worked, he supposed. 

Marvin kept his body still and looked up at the dark ceiling. It came back to him, what Whizzer had said. He understood the import of coming out. He understood why Whizzer needed it, but… 

But. He wasn’t ready. 

Marvin turned, which took him all the effort he could muster, and he looked at his lover. He looked so beautiful, so at peace. It stirred something inside of him he hadn’t felt for a little while. He leaned closer and gently pressed his lips against Whizzer’s cheek. He really, really did love this man. He knew it to be true. And knowing it finally fueled feelings he had missed. 

“You missed,” Whizzer’s voice was raspy and soft and god, Marvin loved him.

“What?” Marvin whispered back, not understanding. And then Whizzer pulled Marvin towards himself and kissed him deeply. 

Right. Marvin pulled away almost at once. 

Whizzer pulled away too, a frown plastered on his face. “Am I doing something wrong?” he whispered. 

Marvin shook his head. “No- I just don’t really want to kiss.” 

Whizzer hesitated. “Right. Sorry, I just figured, since you kissed me-“ 

“Yeah. I understand. I’d rather not be touched right now? Like that, I mean. I’d love cuddles.” 

Whizzer’s frown faded. He pulled Marvin in his arms and held him tightly. 

Marvin kept staring at the ceiling. 

“Why were you awake?” 

“Nightmare,” Marvin explained softly. 

“What happened?” 

“Don’t remember.” 

“You’re safe here. With me.” 

Marvin just nodded. After a while, he couldn’t keep the recurring thought to himself any more. 

“I can’t come out.” 

“I know. It’s okay. Just don’t force me to fit in your closet, okay?” Whizzer spoke with so much understanding and gentleness. It stirred the love even more. He had missed feeling. So much. 

Marvin nodded. He buried his face in Whizzer’s neck, completely giving into his touch. 

“I really think you need to look soon. For proper help.” 

Marvin closed his eyes. “It’ll just be another Mendel. I don’t know if I want to go through all that again. What if it’s another attractive doctor that steals you away?” 

Whizzer huffed. “You think Mendel is attractive?” 

“He isn’t ugly.” 

“God, you really are sick in your head,” Whizzer said teasingly. 

Marvin hummed. “You have no idea.” 

They fell asleep like that. Marvin felt like this was right, like he was being a good, proper person for the first time in weeks again. A person who could smile and joke. And it felt absolutely amazing. 

As long as he had his kid and his lover and moments like these, everything else would be easy to deal with. 

It was a good note to fall asleep with, but he woke just as empty as ever, barely remembering anything of it. Marvin didn’t even try. He was just tired.

His eyes were heavy, his body ached. He did not want to get up and fight with the day. He wanted to disappear in the safety of bed. 

He turned to his side and paused. Usually, Whizzer was gone by now, making breakfast, working out or working. Instead, his lover laid next to him and looked straight at him. 

“You didn’t think I’d just let you wake up horribly again? Not on my watch, baby. Come on. I’ll get you all you need. I’ll be your servant. Ask and you shall receive.” 

“I want to sleep,” Marvin grumbled pathetically. 

“Not that. Anything else?” 

Yes, there were a million things Marvin wanted. Looking at Whizzer’s playful but gentle face, it was more clear than any other moment what exactly it was he wanted. 

He cupped Whizzer’s face and kissed him deeply. 

How’s that for a response?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the lovely comments again! They make my day! 
> 
> Stay safe.   
> Stay alive.   
> Take care of yourselves.


	6. coffee

Marvin was making coffee. There was something about the smell alone that woke him up. It was a familiar one. One he could confide in. It grounded him at times, other times it just reminded him of one simple pleasure he at least had left. 

His father hadn’t woken up yet, and Whizzer was doing his morning run. It had been easier to get up with Whizzer by his side, but it was still hard to start up. He was grateful, though, that his boyfriend was such a supportive one. 

Marvin yawned and rubbed one eye. He dropped his hands to his sides and watched as the coffee slowly filled the beige mug. When it was finished, he turned off the machine and sat down at the table. He wasn’t really hungry, but he was sure Whizzer would cook something up once he came back. 

Marvin sipped the burning coffee carelessly and thought about what Whizzer needed from him. He felt guilty for his lack of strength. He was scared, too, of what Whizzer would do if he couldn’t manage to be honest with himself or his father. Their relationship was still fragile. They still needed work. He wasn’t sure how determined Whizzer really was to stay. And that terrified him. 

“Good morning, son,” Joseph said and sat down across from Marvin with a half-assed smile. 

“Morning,” Marvin muttered in return. He wished now that he had started reading the paper so he would have had something to do instead of just looking at his father. 

“Did you sleep well?” 

“Sure.” He took another sip. 

“I heard you talking until late. With your friend. Where do you know him from?”

Marvin couldn’t stop a stare and scowl from leaving his face. He didn’t respond. He didn’t feel good with lying, but honesty just wasn’t an option either. 

“He’s quite tall, isn’t he?” Joseph changed the subject.

Marvin frowned at that. “Yes?” 

“Too tall for the couch, at least.” 

Marvin’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t think it’s your concern or your business whether my fucking couch is big enough for him.” 

Joseph shrugged. “Have you got some coffee for me too, son?” 

“No. I’m not your maid. Make it yourself.” 

Joseph got up to do so. “A maid… remember our maid? She was so sweet.”

“You never spoke to her.” 

“Really careful with our stuff.” 

“You paid her barely enough.” 

“She was young. Quite pretty, as I recall.” 

“Was she so distracting you had no time left to raise me?” 

“Maybe I should pay for one here. It would make everything easier, since Trina left you.” 

Marvin set his jaw. He wanted to chew out his father, suddenly finding the energy to do so, but Whizzer came in just as he opened his mouth. 

“Good morning,” Whizzer said cheerfully. His shirt was drenched in sweat. It stuck to his chest and stomach and, God, he looked hot with his hair all wet too. 

“Did you sleep well, Joseph?” Whizzer asked.

Joseph smiled. “Fine enough, thank you. How did you sleep? We were just talking about you.” 

Whizzer frowned as he took off his shoes. His eyes looked at Marvin with a glint of hope and pleasant surprise. 

“That couch really isn’t big enough for those long legs of yours, right? Marvin could’ve bought a new one for you.”

Whizzer’s face fell, but he quickly recovered and smiled politely.

“Oh, no, I’m quite happy on the couch, actually. Even if I’m like a Daddy Long-Legs, as Marvin often calls me, don’t you? Or a variation of that.” 

Marvin’s eyes widened, but he remained calm enough. He downed the coffee. 

“Right, well, I bet he means well,” Joseph smiled and put a hand on Marvin’s shoulder. 

Marvin tensed at once. “Don’t touch me,” he said lowly. 

His father took his hand away a little too slow. 

“We were also talking about a maid. I’ll pay for one, if you want to, Marv.” 

Whizzer saw how Marvin cringed at the nickname. 

“Hm. Well, Marv here really doesn’t like to clean all that much, so maybe that’s smart,” Whizzer said with a tone that completely rubbed Marvin in the wrong way. 

Marvin got up. “Excuse me.” He went upstairs. 

Fuck Whizzer. He got it- fine, whatever, he was hurting his boyfriend, but Whizzer had said he understood it and to take his time. And now he was suddenly being a fucking dick and siding with his father. 

He slammed the door to their- his- bedroom shut and opened the closet door to change into office clothes. He wanted to be away from them today. He might as well work. 

It took a long time to get dressed, but he eventually managed. He put on his tie and struggled with the knot just as Whizzer came in and closed the door behind him. Marvin turned to him, still fidgeting with his tie. Whizzer cupped Marvin’s face without saying a word and kissed him deeply. He put a hand in his hair and tugged on it. 

Marvin grunted a little and put his hands on Whizzer’s waist. The taller man pushed him against the wall and pulled away from the kiss to kiss his neck, his jaw, his ear. Marvin was turning red from the effort it took to be quiet and the pure pleasure he felt right now. Alcohol wasn’t the only thing that made him feel things, that was for sure. 

Whizzer was kissing his lips again, but as quickly as it had started, it ended. Whizzer pulled away and took four steps back. He was glaring at Marvin with obvious pain in his eyes. 

“What-” Marvin started. 

“That was good, right?” 

Marvin, still flushed in his face, nodded hesitantly. 

“So own it. Fucking man up.” 

“I don’t underst-”

“Just tell your goddamn father.” 

“I can’t. He doesn’t like…” 

“Gays? Yeah, well, I just came out and he was fine with me. So go downstairs and fucking tell him.”

“Last night you said that it was fine if I couldn’t.” 

“Sure, it’s fine, but it’s not right. What are you so terrified of? I don’t understand, Marvin. Can’t you see it’s hurting me I can’t even kiss you now in our own house?” 

“My,” Marvin corrected softly. 

Whizzer shifted. “What?” he demanded, clearly annoyed Marvin didn’t give any kind of response. 

“It’s my house.” 

Whizzer’s eyes widened. “Go fuck yourself, Marvin. Call me when you’ve decided to not be a dick anymore. I need some space from this… this mess,” he muttered and left in a haste. 

Marvin swallowed thickly. So much for Whizzer being supportive.

He sat down on the bed and laid back, his tie still undone. Maybe work was a bad idea right now. Anything seemed like a bad idea. He wanted to call Whizzer already, but he knew that would lead to nothing but pain. 

He couldn’t come out. But there was one thing he could do. Something he knew would give the motivation for Whizzer to be proud of him again. 

Marvin grabbed his phone and looked up a good, local psychiatrist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for all the support and love. 
> 
> stay safe. 
> 
> i love yall


	7. tea

Marvin had no idea how to tell someone how shit he felt. After Mendel he had lost absolute faith in any kind of metal health professionals. But he knew very well that this was what Whizzer needed. If he couldn’t come out, at least he could do this for his lover. 

He picked up his phone and called Whizzer. He waited nervously. It had been a long day without him by his side. What hadn’t helped was his dad, constantly looming over him. 

“Did you decide to come out?” Whizzer’s voice was slurring a little. 

Marvin frowned. He hoped Whizzer hadn’t gone to a bar, but, well, he feared he had done exactly that. 

“No. I did something better...” Marvin took a deep breath. “I called a doctor. I’m getting help, Whiz.” 

Whizzer stayed silent on the other side, which made Marvin anxious. Had he fucked this up too, somehow?

“Whizzer?”

“Did you really, baby?” It was the hope in Whizzer’s voice that caught Marvin completely off-guard. 

“Yes.” 

Marvin heard a muffled sigh over the phone. 

“I’ll be there soon, okay? I’ll make some dinner. Just give me a hour. I have to do something first.” 

Whizzer hung up. Marvin felt sick to his stomach. It hit him, suddenly, how scared he was of Whizzer leaving him again. The fact that Whizzer was coming back was releasing internalized stress he had held for the entire day. He got up from the edge of the bed, gathered his strength and went downstairs. 

“Joseph?” 

His father looked up from his program. 

“What is it, son?” 

“Don’t call me...” he sighed. “Listen. You can’t keep staying here. You’re taking up too much of my space. Go look for a job.” 

Joseph raised on eyebrow. “I don’t need to work. I’m retired.” 

Marvin rolled his eyes. “Fine. Then go out and rent an apartment or get into something obscure like knitting. You’d fit those sour women perfectly.”

Joseph got up. He crossed his arms. “Where is this coming from?” 

“From my annoyance with the fact that you’re taking over my house. I paid for this place. You can’t waltz back into my life after years and years of forgetting I exist. Go.” 

Joseph shook his head. “Thanks to you, son, you have a life. Thanks to me, you started out wealthy. I can stay here. I need a place to stay.” 

“You can’t stay here. If you need it, come in the night. You’ll have the couch to sleep on. That’s all you need. Now piss off. I have had enough of you.” 

Joseph sat back down. “You never changed. You’re the same old selfish, horrible, little kid you have always been.” 

Marvin’s eyes widened. Joseph was sitting so casually, relaxed, careless. Focusing on his program again. 

Marvin stepped back, turned, and went upstairs. He couldn’t stay downstairs with someone so cruel. He went to his office and closed the door. Everything around him started spinning. He placed his hand on the wall to stay stable, but he barely felt like he was anywhere. It was all too much.

“Baby?” 

Marvin looked up. His back hurt like hell. Had he fallen asleep on the floor?

“Honey. Wake up, love,” Whizzer muttered and kissed his head. 

Marvin groaned. Whizzer smelt of alcohol. “Where were you?” 

“At a bar. Come on, I’ll get you.to bed.” 

Whizzer tugged on Marvin’s arm, but he pulled away roughly.   
“Don’t touch me.” 

Whizzer stepped back. “Marvin, what are you doing? I came back because you said you called the doctor. Why are you still being a dick?” 

Marvin scowled. “Because, you...” Marvin closed his eyes and shook his head. “Just stop it!” 

“I’m not doing anything!” Whizzer snapped back. 

“Not you- just- Fuck!” Marvin was so nauseous. “I need him to leave- he has to leave our fucking house. Get him to leave!” 

“Okay, baby, you need to sit down. I’ll get him to go, but you’re fucking scaring me right now.” 

Marvin opened his eyes. He frowned. When had he stood up? He stepped away from Whizzer and nodded. He sat down. 

“Just get rid of him,” he whispered softly. 

Whizzer left the office. He came back a few minutes later. 

“Here.” Whizzer held out a cup of steaming tea. 

Marvin smiled a little. “You know tea isn’t calming to me.” 

Whizzer rolled his eyes. “Bullshit. Tea is magic and you know it.” 

Marvin took it and blew into the cup. That really smelled good. 

“Thank you. Is he gone?” 

Whizzer nodded and sat down next to Marvin, leaning against the wall with his back. He looked at him. 

“What happened just now?” 

Marvin looked down into the gross leave water. He sighed. “I don’t know. I lost all control over myself, I suppose.” 

“It reminded me of you two years ago.” 

Marvin’s shoulders slumped. That couldn’t be. He was better than that now. 

“It was terrifying,” Whizzer went on. 

Marvin sniffed. “I know. I really am sorry.” 

Whizzer stayed silent. And then he felt two, safe, warm arms around him. He closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. 

“We’ll get through this, baby. Somehow. I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Marvin whispered back. But he barely felt it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for the long break. I was not doing so well. However, now, i am a lot better. I hope you are all still interested in this story. Either way, thanks for all the love. 
> 
> Stay safe. Wear your masks. Listen to BIPOC voices.   
> Be kind to yourself. 
> 
> Love


	8. therapy

Marvin was trying. He had been going back to work for a few days now and even though it drained him, he could manage. Whizzer was there at the end of hard days, and he barely saw his father, only early in the morning or late at night. 

Whizzer and him, had decided not to drink for a little while, just in case it caused another burst of anger. Marvin had a hard time doing it, but it helped that Whizzer was committed too. 

Marvin woke up on the first Wednesday of his therapy appointment. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. He had imagined himself there, sitting with his arms crossed, not buying a single thing the therapist might say. He would try, but… he couldn’t promise anything. 

He had made sure he was free today, prompted by Whizzer, to ‘really take in the advice’. That didn’t make the dread of the appointment easier. 

“Darling?” Whizzer came into the bedroom, already fully dressed and looking perfect as always. It made Marvin slump back a little more. Whizzer was an entirely different breed of man. Confident. Handsome. Happy. 

“Hm?”

Whizzer handed him breakfast on a plate. The freshly brewed coffee calmed Marvin somewhat. That smell always held something incredibly homely. 

“I am so proud of you.”

Marvin huffed at that. 

“Baby, I mean it. I’m proud.” 

“You’re proud that I’m so unstable I need help from some shrink?” 

Whizzer sighed and sat down next to him. 

“No, dumbass. I’m proud that you are taking care of yourself.” 

“I’m only doing it for you. I couldn’t care less about it. If it were up to me…” Marvin trailed off. 

Whizzer frowned. “Look, it may not seem like it, but it is something to be proud of.”

Marvin rolled his eyes. “Like you’d know.” 

Whizzer frowned deeper and got up. “Enjoy your breakfast, dear.” He kissed him briefly and left. 

Marvin ate slowly; if he did that, he wouldn’t have to go to therapy as soon. 

Fifteen minutes before he had to be there, he got up, threw on some clothes, ran a hand through his hair and went downstairs. He looked around for Whizzer to kiss him goodbye. He found a note on the table instead. 

‘I’m out with some friends. Short work session after. I’ll see you later tonight. Love!   
\- Whizzer’ 

Marvin frowned. Why hadn’t Whizzer come to him to say bye? It made him feel a certain kind of way he did not appreciate. 

He got to his car and drove to the clinic. He tried to make up excuses in his head, to justify not going, on the way there. Anything to cancel. But he ended up there anyway. He went inside. 

“So, Mr. Gardens.” 

“Marvin,” he corrected with annoyance. 

“Marvin,” the therapist- an awfully young woman to be judging him- echoed. “Why are you here?” 

“Because my…” he hesitated. “Boyfriend made me,” he finally said. 

The doctor nodded slowly. “You don’t want to be here?” 

Marvin hummed in agreement. “That’s right.” 

She raised her eyebrow. She closed her notebook. “Leave, then.” 

Marvin looked up, meeting her eyes. “What?” 

“Leave. If you don’t want to be here, leave.”

“That… excuse me?!” 

“If you don’t want help, I can’t help you. It has to come from you first. So, here’s the chance to leave.” 

Marvin glared at her. He crossed his arms and finally looked away. He didn’t move. 

She opened her notebook again, to Marvin‘s annoyance.

“So why are you here?” 

Marvin set his jaw. “I am sad sometimes.” 

“Can you tell me something you’ve been sad about recently?” 

“Recently? Hm. Let’s start with my goddamn parents.” 

She nodded slowly. “There is a lot of anger there.” 

“Don’t-” he sighed. “Don’t do that. Don’t state obvious things. It’s annoying.” 

“Okay. Then tell me why you’re angry.” 

Marvin rubbed his forehead slowly. “They’re getting a divorce.” 

“Okay. Why is that effecting you?” 

“Uhm- they’re my parents? Isn’t it normal to be upset over that?” 

“Sure. Upset, yes. This angry? At your age? Not quite.” 

He wanted to snap at her. But that would only confirm her accusations of anger. He wasn’t being childish, as she implied. 

“You’re wrong. I don’t care that much at all,” he said with a mocking undertone. 

“Okay. What are you sad about then?” 

“Nothing. I am extremely happy,” he answered, sarcastic. 

“Tell me about that.” 

“What?” 

“Your happiness. What makes you so happy?” 

Marvin hesitated. “I don’t…” he frowned a little. He couldn’t think of a single thing. 

The therapist didn’t say anything. Silence stretched out and Marvin grew more uncomfortable with each passing minute. He looked around the office, but there wasn’t anything that could distract him from the deafening silence. He hated silence. It just made it so he had to think and think and think. He moved his knee, uneasy. He refused to look at her, then realized how stupid that was. He met her eyes. She was just looking back at him blankly. He furrowed his eyebrows and tapped his fingers on his arm. He wasn’t going to break the silence. 

After while, she started writing. Marvin followed the movement. It made him even more nervous. Screw this. 

“I’m wasting my time here.” 

“You can leave. I’m not holding you back.” 

Marvin sniffed. He still didn’t move. He had to be better. For Whizzer. He had promised him. He might be empty, but his word still meant something. If his word lost meaning, he had absolutely nothing to stay for. The more he thought about it, the more the silence stayed, and made him biol over. 

“They never looked at me,” he surprised himself with the words, and now, he felt he couldn’t stop. “They never gave me any care or attention or- or love. Nothing! I was left with some stupid maid who was supposed to take care of me and she did an awful job. And if I ever heard a word from them it was their yelling downstairs if it was late and I was supposed to sleep- and they forgot my birthday. Each year. And it didn’t matter what I did. They just kept away from me. And now they’re getting a divorce! Now?! After the shitty fucking youth they gave me- they choose to now- now finally fix their bullshit! They should have done that years ago!” 

Marvin was talking fast, spitting out the words, speaking louder with each sentence. 

The therapist just nodded. She didn’t say anything. 

Marvin eyed her, then looked away. “Jesus, it doesn’t matter.” 

“Why doesn’t it?” 

“Because! It’s in the past. I can’t do anything to change it.” 

“Yet it’s hurting you.”

“It’s stupid,” he spat. 

“Why?” 

“Like I said, it’s happened. It’s over.” 

“But it isn’t over, or you wouldn’t be here.” 

“That isn’t all that’s going on. There are other reasons I’m here.” 

“What else is going on, Marvin?” she asked gently. 

Marvin shrugged. 

She nodded. “I’m afraid our time is up, Marvin, but know that this was a great step.” 

He just huffed. 

“I’ll see you next week.” 

He nodded and left. He didn’t want to think about what he had said, so he ignored any thoughts he had about the session. He turned on the radio loud and let his thoughts drown out. It was always better like that. Something- anything- to distract him. He couldn’t see how therapy would help. Repeating memories and pains he had felt for years would do no one any good. 

But as Marvin listened to the radio, he couldn’t deny he felt a little less heavy. He started singing along to the songs that came on. 

Maybe Whizzer would be home early. That thought made him smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be kind to yourselves. thank you for all the kind comments. they mean so much to me! 
> 
> thanks for reading. 
> 
> Love!


End file.
